The truth is that when the new year started and everyone had resolutions, I didn't make one because a.) the majority are unattainable and b.) I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted out of this year. Through the past month, I have maintained my goal of loyalty (mainly to myself) and figured out exactly what it is that I want.
I want to be in shape. Not in the way that most people want to be in shape though. I want to be figure model fit. I want to eat, breathe and sleep fitness. A few years ago my best friend Anna and I had gotten into a routine of getting up at 5:30am and lifting weights for a few hours before work. After my bulldog passed in 2012, I fell off the wagon and have never really gotten back into the routine. When thinking of my personal goals for this year, I realized that I missed the way that I felt when I was lifting and building muscle. I was more confident, had beautiful skin, felt less sluggish; all things I was struggling with currently. I cannot control many aspects of my life, but I can control how my body looks. I have started getting up early and going to the gym to lift again. This time, without an accountability partner which makes getting out of bed slightly harder. Until I realize I am about to have 1.5 hours of "me" time. No one can call or text or bug me at all. It's just me, doing something amazing for myself. A few weeks in and I already notice a difference in the way I think and feel, which only adds fuel to the fire.
I want to post at least 5 days a week. I know what you're thinking....I only posted once in January...how in the world could I go from that to 5 times a week?! Welp, I have taken January to take a step back from the blog and figure out what it is I really wanna get from maintaining this site. The answer is accountability and inspiration. When I started the site I was posting every day about what I was doing that day to raise money to pay towards my debt. I started getting a few followers and noticed that when I posted, it sent them an email. Then I started feeling bad about posting so much. What if they get overloaded by the posts in their email and stop following me? What if people lose interest? So I slowed down, on purpose...which only caused me to start doubting every part of my site. This month I realized that the point of this site was to remain accountable and meet people who are in similar situations.
I want to be completely real. Over the past few years, I allowed failed relationships and life disappointments to shake the core of how I viewed myself. I went from a confident, funny woman to a big pile o' whine. I now feel that I am completely myself again. As my new man described me this morning, I'm "extremely sporadic yet incredibly focused." I have never heard a more perfect description of myself. My mind is always going and bouncing around but when I find something I really want, I focus and make it happen. So, in an effort to be true to myself, I am focusing on continuing to workout and eat a clean diet while paying off my debt and writing about it. I want the people who do read this to do so because they love who I genuinely am and can respect my goals. So, no more editing or not posting due to fear of losing subscribers. This is me: welcome.
In January, I decided to find Xena a new, forever home. While she was a huge part of my life, something felt like it wasn't right. I am away from home about 10 hours a day regularly and while away, I started to notice her behavior changing. She started using the bathroom in the house and no matter how much I walked her, she never seemed happy. I live alone so having a dog helped me feel a little less lonely. I have been looking at my budget and realized that I was spending almost $200 a month on Xena. I had the cost of her insurance, her monthly heartworm/flea preventative and her special (read expensive) bulldog food. I decided to post an ad online to see if I could find her another home where she would have more interaction and live a happier life. I am pleased to say that I did find a perfect family. We met with the mom and dad initially then I took Xena to their house to meet their three daughters. When Xena met the dad, it was love at first site. And she completely flipped out when she arrived at their house. After getting to know the family, I found out that the dad was home all day while the mom was home all night so Xena will never have to be alone or in a crate. They live in the country so she will have a house and a backyard, instead of a small, one bedroom apt. When they came to scoop her, Xena couldn't have been happier. She went right up to their car and hopped right in; I had to literally force her to say bye to me! It was heartbreaking for a while and I am lonely at times but I get text updates from the mom who says Xena is having a blast. I know that Xena is happier and if I'm honest, I am happier as well. Mainly because I have less guilt about working late or visiting friends. I also don't have to pay for her monthly bills any longer which also helps to get me out of debt faster!
As life would have it, a nice man named Adan M. Garcia reached out to me on facebook in December regarding some elance.com work. I explained a few things to him and then asked if he would be willing to create a No Debt Brunette logo. I told him I wanted it to be Xena but as a piggy bank. He got back to me a few weeks later with the image at the top of the post. How perfect! I received it the first day that Xena was gone to her new family and it was so heartwarming. Even though she isn't physically in my life, she will always be immortalized in my logo.
What are some personal interests that you struggle with maintaining due to guilt?